Like every project I begin, I never know what the outcome will be. There is no plan other than to create something that draws from life experiences and feelings that I want to immortalize. Music is forever. I’ve always wished I could bottle up a happy feeling and save it for a fucked up day. Music and writing are the closest thing that I have to that. I came up with the title for the album in bed. It came about after much reflection over the last 5-6 years in which so much has transpired. For most of it I felt like I was being held up by a million strings that would pop, one by one. Whenever I moved it felt like I wouldn't make it much longer. I was grateful for my friends and chosen family for the patience and love I received from them through such a vulnerable time in my life. Space was held for me. Space to cry, to scream, to run, to laugh, to escape, to process, and to feel. The album is one big fever dream.
The album starts with the song Lightning. This song is the beginning of the journey which talks about losing my childhood home and being thrusted into homelessness while also losing relationships and trying not to lose myself as well in the process. It was a very confusing and scary time for me. It established fear but resilience for what was to come.
'Trying' is a ballad that sort of happened by accident. I was overwhelmed with the lack of closure I was left with after not being able to go to a friend’s funeral because of my sexual orientation and being frustrated by it. I struggle a lot with acceptance of who I am and my upbringing is a huge part of why it’s so hard. I wish I could talk to God and he could answer directly. it would clear up so much. All we can do is try our best.
Ne Me Quitte Pas is about a trip to Paris that my girlfriend surprised me with in the winter of 2018. A place that I’ve romanticized my whole life and always wanted to visit. We were in love like we still are now. Learning about and traveling outside of the country with each other was proof to me that good things can happen to people that feel ugly inside. To people that feel tired. Every time I listen to that song I’m instantly reminded of how amazing that experience was. It spilled out of me like lava and I’m grateful it happened. That moment is forever.
“Coffee for Dinner' is a testimony of sorts. I grew up in the church and was always moved by people’s stories and songs of resilience. A word that truly means a lot to me. It stayed with me and in a lot of ways helped birth this song. Even though I had some very important friends in my life, I still felt alone. I knew no one personally that was going through what I was going through. I also hated talking about it because it made people feel bad and it made me feel bad too. it just felt better to escape from it but talking about uncomfortable things is so healthy in the end. This song is very therapeutic to me because I get the chance to talk about things that were holding me down like feeling pressure to hang and be with people I care about but also having to work and help with supporting my family. Finding a balance is difficult.
The rest of the songs are the ups and downs of this journey. If I could drive, catch a plane, board a train through dreams, it’d look like this album. Constantly transitioning and moving. The final song ‘Birds Gave Up’ is a song about waking up next to my love with all my anxieties from the night before already melted away.
While making this project I realized that life can only be good if it’s also bad at times. That while others can hold space for you, you can also hold space for yourself.
